Then and Now: Masonic Landmarks
Four San Francisco Masonic landmarks of yesteryear get a new lease on life.
Masonic Assistance
It Takes a Village
WHEN IT COMES TO CARING FOR ELDERLY PARENTS, THE MASONIC OUTREACH SERVICES TEAM HAS YOUR BACK.
By Ian A. Stewart
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Many Masons belong to what’s called the sandwich generation, responsible for providing care both to children who are not yet fully grown and to parents in their twilight years. That’s an enormous responsibility, and one that comes with considerable stress and anxiety. Especially when caring for elderly parents or parents-in-law, navigating the “the second conversation”—involving sensitive topics like finances, estate planning, and living arrangements—is understandably difficult. But you don’t have to go it alone. In Masonic Outreach Services, members have licensed care managers who can guide members through the finer points of one of life’s big challenges. Here, members of the MOS care team offer some much-needed advice on caring for elderly parents.
EARLY SPADEWORK PAYS OFF
A common refrain from professionals is that it’s important to get ahead of those difficult conversations about a parent’s living arrangements, finances, and other sensitive matters. “Prioritize these conversations long before you need them,” says Roberto Attalla, a licensed clinical social worker and manager of MOS in Covina. Shelly Jioia, a care manager with MOS in San Diego, agrees. “This should foster less pushback when decisions need to be made,” she says. “Sometimes just spending time with loved ones and asking questions regarding their future plans will enlighten you to the reality of the situation.”
KEEP AN EYE OUT
It can be hard to separate normal patterns of aging from more serious health matters. (Were the keys simply misplaced, or is this early-onset dementia?) Getting more involved can help you distinguish between the two. “Certain physical, emotional, and environmental indicators can suggest a need for additional support,” advises Espie Esparza, a care manager in Los Angeles. She says to keep an eye out for things like clutter and uncleanliness around the house, mail piling up, or bills going unpaid. Self-neglect, such as poor hygiene, undereating, or overeating, can also indicate a problem. Medication misuse—taking the wrong dosage or forgetting to take medication—may also indicate cognitive decline Esperanza says. In such cases, she recommends speaking with the parent’s primary care physician, who can refer you to specialists such as nutritionists, social workers, and physical therapists.
PLAN IT OUT
There’s no getting around this next bit: “When you notice that your loved one’s health is declining, it is important to realize that your involvement in managing their care will also increase,” says Kai Hoye, a care manager in Central California. That doesn’t mean the entire responsibility should fall on just one set of shoulders, though. Esparza advises calling in other family members or neighbors who can help in case of an emergency. She also suggests making a calendar of caregiving “shifts,” including having someone on backup duty. Amy Averweg, director of Masonic Family and Senior Outreach Services, agrees with that, and says it’s important to keep that care schedule, plus a list of all medications, appointments, and important contacts, together in a binder or shared app so everyone on the care team can track health updates, symptoms, and upcoming tasks.
STAY SOCIAL
A care calendar can also help you ensure that parents have activities lined up and that they aren’t sitting home alone all day. “As your loved ones find social events they enjoy, their overall well-being will be immensely improved,” Jioia says. It’s also one of the most effective ways to stave off dementia. “Consistent, small, and simple activities seem to work best,” Esparza says.
TALK ABOUT END-OF-LIFE ISSUES NOW
It’s imperative to have this conversation before the issue is imminent. “While it can be difficult, the sooner you know the wishes of your loved ones, the more time you’ll have for funeral arrangements, cremation procedures, and more,” Hoye says. She points to a “Five Wishes” form (see QR code at left) you can download to help get their intentions down on paper. Speaking of which, having all the relevant paperwork together is another must, says Angela Dickson, the manager of MOS in Union City. Especially if your parent has a Do Not Resuscitate order, “It’s imperative you have a signed Physician’s Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment, or POLST, displayed visibly within the home,” she says. It’s a hot-pink form that police and EMTs use to guide treatment in a life-threatening emergency.
BE REALISTIC
It can be hard to broach the subject of moving a loved one out of their home and into a memory-care or assisted living community. But those environments can help your parent make the most the time they have. “It’s important to think about them on their hardest days,” Dickson says. “We tend to minimize how difficult those days can be. But think
"As your loved ones find social events they enjoy, their overall well-being will be immensely improved.”
about what that really looks like—the obstacles to normal routines, behaviors or arguments that arise, safety concerns. Those are the considerations to think about when weighing whether it might be time to transition to the next level of care”
KNOW YOUR OWN NEEDS
On a personal level, it’s also important to guard against your own level of burnout—the emotional and mental exhaustion that comes with taking care of someone else. Hoye recommends coming up with a list of tasks around the house that you can use help with—and then not being shy about asking others for that help. That might include grocery shopping, picking up medication, rides to appointments, meal prep, or household chores and yard work. “You can hand that list to friends and family who want to help but often don’t know how,” she says. “Then they can choose what type of assistance works best for them”
That in turn should help you gain a bit of respite. “Remember to take care of yourself by allowing down time, pampering yourself, going for walks, and separating from the situation momentarily to recharge,” Esparza says. She recommends seeking out support groups and meeting up for coffee to share tips. “Connecting with others in similar situations can provide emotional support, pracitical advice, and a sense of community.”
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UNSPLASH
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